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i just wrote my first book and i'm trying to get it published!! you should know that I will be giving out mini cupcakes from the magnolia bakery while dispensing fashion/dating/life advice and taking pictures during future book signings- yay!! we can post them on facebook and tag each other! and i can't confirm this yet but i'm sure there will be complimentary makeovers courtesy of my friends at benefit while alexandra richards spins some sweet tunes! hooray! follow my blog if you were nerdy in junior high, enjoy making fun of others,fashion, adore the world of sweet valley high, have an extensive knowledge of lifetime television movies starring tiffani thiessen, are an expert in witty banter, pop culture, paranormal activity, and sarcasm.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

some fashion advice from mr.x...

the year was 2003, and mr. x and i were parked in my driveway having a deep meaningful conversation about ghosts, rainbows, and our mutual love for the dairy queen.
mr.x: "hey guess what? i really want to get a puppy! maybe we could go look at dogs this weekend! and go to the dairy queen!"
me: "i do! ummm i mean yes! so are we going to make out or what?"

this song was playing in the car at some point.

before i said goodnight i was fairly certain he was going to profess his undying love for my beauty and ridiculously sharp wit... but then mr.x said something else that really blew my mind.
mr.x: "do you think you can do me a favor?"
me: "sure!"
mr.x: " can you like burn those overalls? this is the 2nd time i've seen you in those things since we started dating. and i think they're ridiculous looking!"

i was stunned. burn my overalls? how dare he suggest that?! i had been wearing overalls since friends debuted in 1994. they were a staple in my wardrobe! i was wearing them when my best friend and i got kicked off the beach by a boy in a wheelchair!! i saw dances with wolves, scream, and jerry maguire in those things! i picked up the really cute slightly younger boy who worked at blockbuster while wearing them on a friday night and eating carvel ice cream! and then we made out in the parking lot when his shift was over! the overalls had come with me on my trip to europe! they knew all my secrets and i looooooooved them! they were a part of me! and now this guy was telling me burn them?! i got out of the car feeling really pissed off ...i think i may have even slammed the door in his face as he was apologizing.

see even jennifer aniston wore overalls.

when i got upstairs i examined myself closely in the mirror. maybe he was onto something...i mean you couldn't even tell how skinny i had gotten when i was wearing my beloved GAP overalls. and i had worked sooooo hard to get that thin... what was the point of all that over exercising and calorie counting if no one could even see my collarbone jutting out? it seemed like such a waste! and i had owned them since 1994. who keeps articles of clothing for that long? all of the sudden,it seemed bizzare.
the story of what happened to my overalls looks a lot like a tragedy now.

so i threw the short and long ( of course i had the summer and winter versions) overalls in the garbage pail outside by my basketball hoop and accepted mr. x's apology for mocking them...and i have rarely thought about them since their ill fated demise...until today while i was shopping in anthropologie.

oh yes we're back in a big way.

from madewell to anthro to urban outfitters to free people and all over town... the overalls have returned.i'm sorry... i won't be participating in this trend because i wore them for almost 10 years of my life. and my fashion sense has grown in leaps and bounds since 2003.
and so has my taste in men!!

though i have to admit that in the days of overalls...i could actually eat carbs without ever worrying about looking bloated.they would never betray me like that! these days, i'm more concerned with getting into the standard hotel and maintaining a clavicle that collects rainwater. i'll stick to my compulsive over exercising, alice and olivia dress collection, and ysl heels for those amazing feats.
ahhhh but i have a confession to make....sometimes i really miss the way i was able to breathe in those things!! (and ps- how awesome is this coldplay song?)

Sunday, February 12, 2012

the mysterious twitching epidemic of le roy, new york

before i start this post- you should be aware that my mother didn't read fairy tales to me as a child. oh no. she was far too busy reading the time life series: mysteries of the unknown.
me: "mommy, are dopplegangers real?"
my mom: "you bet your bottom dollar they are. and if you see one. you better run like hell and remember everything we just read in that book."

and to this day i still have a fixation of all things "unknown"... so when i stumbled across the story of le roy last week, i was fascinated and completely horrified.
teenage girls in this small sleepy upstate community have been affected with a sudden tourette's like twitching illness which struck them completely out of the blue. a few girls have even uploaded their "episodes"(which include chimplike breathing, a massive amount of twitching , blinking, and uncontrollable clapping) to you-tube. it's super freaky and disturbing. but even more disturbing to me is that some doctors are writing this off as a mass psychogenic illness. you know sort of like those repressed teenage girls in the crucible. i didn't realize mass hysteria was actually a real medical condition.
don't worry girls.... your twitching is a result of teenage wasteland.

a little background on MPI... it dates as far back to the 7th century, and it affects more women than men. disturbing events have been linked to this psychological disorder throughout history. and all i can say is wow. i would have paid wayyyyy more attention in my ap history classes if we learned about crap like this. i've included some of my fav stories below:
* the summer of 1518 in strasbourg france, a woman named frau troffeau suddenly begins dancing in the street and can't stop. she's joined by 34 more people and by the end of the month over 400 villagers have been afflicted with the "dancing plague." they didn't stop once- the dancing continued until some dropped dead from exhaustion, heart attacks, internal bleeding... yikes! and why hasn't m. night shyamalan directed the horror version of footloose yet?

dancing is all fun and games until people start dying

*the french meowing nuns. literally during the middle ages- one nun started to meow (yes like a cat) and the rest of the convent erupted into meowing for hours at a time. what the hell?!
so creepy. meowing nuns.
* the biting nuns of the 15th century- a nun in a german convent began biting her fellow sisters and the rest of them began to emulate the attacks. a biting epidemic? what?! why did i just learn about this today?! sound of music meets vampires. awesome. this movie needs to be made asap.
i can't wait to go bite everyone as soon as i'm done singing this song.

anyway, if you start googling mpi ( like i did on and off all day long after reading about these girls upstate... i find weird news fascinating) you'll see that there's been laughter epidemics, accusing innocent people of witchcraft epidemics,fainting epidemics- the list goes on and on...
but let's get back to my teenage friends in le roy, new york.
currently about 12 girls in this tiny high school are twitching

i just can't believe that doctors are writing it off as MPI. i mean really- i was a teenage girl and i had a ton of stress- for example: what college will i go to? will my skin ever clear up? will officer tommy hanson from 21 jump street ever come to my school as an undercover narc and have a wild affair with me in the science lab while pretending to be a high school student? if i lose a dramatic amount of weight will calvin klein use me in his next ad campaign for ck1 or obsession? will angela chase choose brian krakow or jordan catalano? what will i do if REVLON stops making my signature lipstick "earthy?" will my best friend's older brother take me to the prom if i don't have a date? can a man really live with a baboon heart? and let me get this straight. i'm single and yet blossom has a hot boyfriend? as you can see the years 1993-1997 were beyond stressful for me.
unfortunately i have yet to meet an undercover detective who looks like this guy.
and yet despite all that stress... i managed to avoid developing a tourette's like illness and spreading a mass hysteria throughout my school.
anyway...i like erin brockovitch's theory much better because it sounds a little more plausible...this neurological disorder could be the result of a chemical spill in 1970 ( less than 3 miles away from the school all these girls attend) and she's currently upstate investigating this. oh and julia roberts (i'm not sure if you read my blog or not-hahaha) but i'm thinking sequel.
julia roberts: "i don't read your blog. i'm not even aware you exist as a human being."

seriously though if you watch the video- it's alarming. and it sort of makes me want to twitch.
warning: if you see the footage you may develop MPI.
it's interesting to note that the EPA has tested the soil and so far  they claim nothing has been linked to this twitching disorder. the doctor treating the girls has made them take down the youtube/facebook videos documenting their symptoms because "mass hysteria" can spread to other susceptible teenage minds easily and before you know it..."conversion disorder"
 so creepy. what's next? you watch the tape and get a creepy phone call with an evil voice whispering "7 days?!"

ahhhhh! why did you watch that tape?! you know what happens next!

Saturday, January 28, 2012

dear diary:on being psychotically obsessed with the weather

i can't stand winters where the forecast is showing a high of 62 degrees in january. it's just terrible! where's the snow?!

every since i was a little girl, i've very been interested in the weather... or as an ex boyfriend of mine so lovingly described my passion for meteorology (sometime around 2002):
me:"i just listened to the forecast... i'm not sure if we should go to that NASCAR party at your friend's house. they're saying a HUGE blizzard is going to hit us today.like the storm of the century or something! it's so exciting!"
my ex boyfriend: "tara! i can't stand this for another second! do you realize that your psychotic obsession with the weather is actually ruining this relationship?!"

well... i would just like to add that we did get hit with an intense blizzard that day.we left that ridiculous NASCAR party early, and later on, of course, he apologized profusely for that VICIOUS statement.

mr. x and me in happier days- watching movies like kingpin,there's something about mary, and fargo. and eating fried chicken out of a bucket??! ewwwww. so glad that time period of my life is over.
mr. x: " i can't believe that we just got 3 ft of snow dumped on us.i should have listened to you!"
me: "no kidding. and don't ever expect me to attend a NASCAR party with your lame friends again. that was just terrible! and now they're saying another storm for early next week!"
mr.x: "okay enough. let's just watch the movie."
(fyi: i would like to point out to everyone that my interest in all things meteorology had NOTHING to do with the demise of that particular relationship)
anyway, i can trace the weather obsession back to 7th grade when my really mean science teacher  gave my class a day to study 95 pages from our textbook causing me to have a nervous breakdown in front of my parents at the kitchen table. of course my mother wrote this woman a strongly worded letter about how the test was ridiculous blah blah blah. you know how moms are sometimes.
 in case you're wondering my science teacher looked just like heat miser- same exact hairstyle- from the christmas special a year without a santa. best. christmas.special.ever.
my science teacher( after reading the note): "the only way you're not taking that test is if it suddenly starts to snow!"

i don't know why she said that because snow wasn't something that seemed likely with the sun shining brightly outside. that horrible evil witch! but after lunch something amazing happened-the sky became dark and cloudy... and what's this? SNOW began to fall. 
 a boy in my class looked out the window and said " heyyyyyyy- look it's snooooowing!" of course this led to a massive amount of cheering in the room.  then one by one the kids were being picked up by their moms who just  didn't want to drive in all the snow and ice later. amazing. the front had moved in so quickly no one had even predicted it! and it snowed so much that of course we had off the next day. catholic schools in the early 90s pulled the plug at the drop of a flake.
my teacher: " well...i guess you have an extra day to study for the test now."

ever since that day- i am  officially weather obsessed. my friends and family know that you can call me at any given moment and i will recite the 2 day forecast, the accuweather 5 day forecast, the predicted 15 day forecast from weather.com,what the farmer's almanac is saying about the winter prediction for this year, new weather terminology... (my favorites being thunder snow and snowpocalypse). 
and i have to say- if you hate talking about the weather and scoff at snowdays where drinking hot chocolate and watching movies is the extent of the day's activity- we probably won't get along very well.
of course the little girl in the movie snowday is a redhead! because-in case you didn't get the memo- redheads make the best spunky movie heroines.

and seriously...these days i really hope my former science teacher is sporting a new hairstyle. the heat miser look just wasn't really working for her. you have to be really fierce fashionwise (like annie lennox) to pull something like that off. "fierce" is not a word i would use to describe the woman who drove an old beat up blue station wagon and wore long floral  skirts to work, but i mean 1993 was a long time ago. after all, i'm no longer wearing t-shirts with dogs and horses on them... maybe she had a makeover too!
me: "you're so fierce annie! and you look just like my personal shopper at saks!"
annie: " wonderful. hearing that makes me want to walk on broken glass."

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

this is the movie of the screenplay of the book about a girl...

so i'm reading this book and it's all about how the universe sends you messages to help you get on the right path... whether it's through a song on the radio, getting lost in a town that you've never heard of, running into the same person five times in one day... i used to think that stuff was garbage until last winter. and then there were three random things that happened on the same night- which sort of led to the whole story line of my book coming together... clearly the universe was totally onto something! well i mean hopefully, it's onto something- if my book gets published! ;-)
sometimes i really wonder if my life is being penned by damon lindelof, the executive writer of LOST. 

#1- i had a really terrible/hilarious date. and no... i'm not writing about it. anyway, i haven't cried in like 4 years ( my inner circle is amazed by my lack of feelings), but you know what? i was actually thinking about bursting into tears (let's get something straight. they were  tears of rage! not to be confused with tears of sadness)... right there in the middle of the street- wearing my amazeballs elizabeth and james dress -besides, it's not like anyone would see me and say "ohmygod. tara! you have tear ducts!" i was all alone except for some creepy old guy who had a monstrous cough and his dog.
"worst.night.ever. hey wait a minute, isn't that---"

# 2. the creepy old guy who was now picking up dog crap 3 feet away from me looked really familiar...
me: "aha! i saw you first!"
john mellencamp: "tara...i'm just like every other dog owner in nyc. i pick up my dog's crap!"

i couldn't believe that one of my very favorite singers was just there in the middle of the sidewalk. it was really bizzare. i mean i guess celeb sightings are normal, but at 2 am on a cold winter morning? really? the singer of jack and diane?dance naked? the guy whose songs my parents would dance to in the backyard when they thought we were sleeping? i flashed a super bright white smile at him and well.. john being john sort of rolled his eyes,sighed, and half waved as he walked past me with his dog. of course, this put me in a MUCH better mood, and i practically skipped to my car singing pink houses.
my mom: "if we knew we were being spied on, we wouldn't have danced!"
the part of my parents will be played by kurt and goldie...
(sorry my mom wouldn't let me use a real pic!)

# 3. then as i was driving home....this song ( see below)came on the radio-and yes, i played it LOUDLY. very loudly. i was doing sooooo much thinking and singing... i'm such a total multi-tasker. i had been toying with writing a screenplay for a while, but the idea was too vague... but as britney jean was singing- something clicked inside my head. BOOM. i can't even describe the feeling to you- but i hadn't been that excited since- well to be honest. i don't think i've ever felt that excited about anything in my entire life. it was that HUGE.
me: "oh holy shit. i know exactly what i'm going to write!! i'm so excited! i'm so excited"
britney: "i'm so scared!!first you have to get out of this neighborhood without getting shot!"

after brit and i finished our fierce duet, i realized that i was in some sort of really terrible area driving a really really shiny red car with a designer emblem ( the jeep liberty had been retired the previous december).confession: i actually ran several lights to find my way back home- thank god- without being fictionalized in a future law and order episode.
for the record- i'm so in love with elliot stabler. isn't every woman in america? is chris meloni single? i need to google that IMMEDIATELY.
elliot and olivia: " did you really see john mellencamp picking up dog crap?"
me: "yes! what do you guys think that means?"
elliot: "i'm thinking it means his dog went to the bathroom. and he had to pick it up.by the way, your hair looks amazing!"

anyway, i got home alive and wrote all the stuff down immediately because i was afraid i would wake up and forget it the next day. and then for the next few months i sort of played with it in my mind.... talked to myself ALOT in the car... but that's how the complete idea came to me. signs are everywhere if you look for them... i mean a john mellencamp encounter? at 2 AM? the dead of winter?! really?! unbelievable!! clearly the universe is telling me something. i interpreted it as " write a book tara!" but maybe the real message was " tara paint your house pink!"
either way : "if you build it they will come"- i'm a HUGE fan of field of dreams. hahaha ;-)

me: " if my book gets made into a movie you have to do a cameo!"
john mellencamp: "a chick flick? FORGET IT!"

Sunday, January 22, 2012

celeb makeover: from lizzy grant to lana del ray

holy crap. in case you didn't get the memo....floral wreaths are so spring/summer 2012.

let's get something straight. regardless of the performance on SNL last week, i'm STILL a BIG fan of lana del rey. how could you not be amused by someone who describes herself as " the gangster version of nancy sinatra?"
jessica simpson: "remember when i sang this song?"
me: "ummm sang? it was more like butchered."
jessica: "you're so rude. and ps i hate lana del rey!"
me: "why?"
jessica: "babe walker says lana slept with her boyfriend."

lana del rey's music reminds me of tori amos meets fiona apple meets  meets adele meets a watered down version of lady gaga... except she is  obviously way more attractive than all of them ( and perhaps slightly less talented...see,god can be fair sometimes).
confession: i want to throw a midsummer night's dream theme party because i need an excuse to wear this fab floral wreath in my hair.

 before lana become this internet music sensation... she was little lizzy grant- a pretty but average looking  girl from a beyond wealthy family in new york. lizzy grew up in lake placid,went to boarding school in connecticut,  and later attended fordham university. 
sometime around 2008, she wound up performing in clubs on the lower east side and brooklyn (looking a little different than she does today) with blonde hair and slightly thinner lips... but hey she was still rocking a floral wreath...that seems to be a lizzy grant/lana del rey staple.

"hi everyone. my name is lizzy grant. stop yawning!"

you can see that this look clearly wasn't working- she wasn't really going anywhere except to the next hipster  hotspot. so lizzy grant got a makeover... and possibly some collagen injected into her lips (but that is purely speculation at this point).
 besides,isn't it your job as an artist to reinvent yourself?- to market yourself in a way that makes people want to google you a zillion times a day? this goes with the territory.  norma jean became marilyn monroe. stefani  joanne angelina germanotta ( did her parents not like her or something? what is up with that name??) became lady gaga. and lizzy grant became....
    "i'm lana del rey. you know the girl your boyfriend/husband wants to sleep with."

the cw show ringer (with sarah michelle gellar) used  lana's song video games  in episode 3 ...of course that led me to googling and totally obsessing over  her music.
sarah michelle gellar: " we try to bring people cutting edge fashion and music in each show."
me: "you do! yay! now we just need to work on those crappy scripts!"
 beyond obsessed! so good!

and i'm sorry but she has tigers in this video. that's just awesome.

forget the midsummer night's theme party.i think i'm seriously just going to start wearing floral wreaths everywhere. even to work. 

everything looked  promising for lana... until last saturday night. when she sort of bombed on snl. was she better than ashley simpson? YES. did she look nervous? OF COURSE. she looked uncomfortable on stage and sort of  out of it... but who knows? maybe she just had a freak out. or maybe lizzy grant  took over her body and wouldn't let lana perform! whatever the reason is... i'm  saying let's not completely crucify the poor girl and  write her off just yet. 

and for the record. if i could turn back time- i would totally use this pose in my high school yearbook photo...wearing an amazeballs floral wreath of course.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

oh sarah michelle gellar: the blame game

allow me to begin this post by writing that i'm a long time fan of sarah michelle gellar... and my admiration predates her playing kendall on general hospital and buffy the vampire slayer. in fact it goes all the way back to 1992 and a little show called swan's crossing.
did anyone else wake up at 5:30 in the morning to watch this show?

and i'm even a devoted watcher of ringer... her new show is completely awful, but i love seeing what evil siobhan (played by SMG) is wearing over in paris and what bridget (also played by SMG) who is pretending to be her dead sister siobhan ( the show is very complicated) is raiding from her amazeballs closet in nyc. fyi: siobhan's closet is like NARNIA to me. alice and olivia, jason wu, tom ford,valentino, chloe, dries van noten, vince,haute hippie,zac posen... the list goes on and on... i'm so in love.

ahem. this show may be terrible.
but that didn't stop me from having a ringer marathon last saturday. why god why?!

because the fashion on the show is so high end and fun... i was surprised that SMG chose this to wear at the golden globes last week. i couldn't decide if i hated it or loved it, but then i went with hated it. there's too much going on for me.... and this is coming from a girl who once wore a pinkish purplish shirt from EXPRESS with sequins to a pizzeria/ bar and drank malibu bay breezes using a straw made of macaroni. i was only 21! oh well. you live and learn right? and it was a definitely a step up from my t shirts with dogs on them. anyway, tie dyed only works if you're following the grateful dead around to their next venue. and i'm not even sure if it really works then.
i don't remember seeing this dress on ringer.

then she told the world, her 2 year daughter, charlotte, picked it out... why would you blame this on your own flesh and blood?? it's so wrong! she knew she made a horrible mistake and threw her daughter under the bus for it. oh no smg! why?!
furthermore... her excuse doesn't even make sense! when i'm going out, i don't rely on my nephew to help me pick out my ensemble. he's not exactly the fashion expert. i mean he walked around in a police officer's costume on christmas eve and decided to wear his halloween costume ( he was a ups man) on christmas day. seriously, have you ever dealt with a 2-3 year old child? they're irrational. and their taste in fashion is questionable.
wait. i take that statement back.... there is one child who consistently makes tim gunn's best dressed list.

suri: "hey everyone! i'm suri cruise and my clothes are cooler than yours."

i mean is there a special scientology class for toddler fashion? personally i'm glad she's not going to be in the same school as my phantom daughter. who wants to deal with this type of competition on a daily basis? i felt underdressed in a madewell dress with frye boots when i spotted katie and suri eating ice cream in serendipity 3 after a bloomies trip last summer. suri's almond shaped eyes were boring deadly holes into me like little laser beams, and i could hardly breathe. finally, she looked away and i was able to finish my frozen hot chocolate in peace. but i'll never forget the cold feeling that gripped my heart and the beads of sweat that started to dot my forehead when i realized this simple truth: "little suri doesn't like my outfit...." followed almost immediately by this thought"katie holmes is definitely brainwashed."
suri: "where did you get that dress?"
me: "it's madewell."
suri: "hilarious-those boots?"
me: "ummm.. vintage frye. i got them on ebay."
suri: "ewwww!"

anyway,i i hope sarah michelle gellar learns to take responsibility for her own fashion faux pas and not blame it on her poor daughter in the future. because let's face it...when it comes to fashion,we all make mistakes from time to time.
for example: i no longer wear jeweled headbands or mermaid costumes when napping on leisurely saturday afternoons.

except for little suri, but she has special scientology/alien fashion powers. i bet you there's a secret book called the ron l hubbard guide to fashion somewhere. unfortunately for you and me... your father has to be the number two guy in the church of scientology if you want to get your hands on it. those sketchy bastards.

suri: "charlotte? it's suri cruise.did you really pick out that dress for your mom's golden globe appearance?"
charlotte: "no suri! i swear! she's lying! i wasn't even there when she got it! please don't tell shiloh! or kingston! i'll be ruined!"
suri: "everyone knows charlotte. the whole town is talking about it! only scientology can save you from the fallout now."

debbie harry: "scientology is serious business."
me: "so is the wrath of suri cruise."

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

george clooney could break your heart any day of the week

stacey: "it's different this time. i just know it."
me: " yeah. i don't think so."
stacey keibler is dating george clooney, hollywood's self proclaimed bachelor for life. and i don't know why she's wasting her time. i mean yes, of course, he's devastatingly handsome, but as someone older than stacey by a whole 11 days- i feel the need to issue her a warning: RUN. i mean unless she's just in it for  the massive spreads in INSTYLE, INTOUCH, US WEEKLY, the list goes on and on- and the real estate deal ( it's been said that clooney gives mansions as parting gifts)... then i guess stick around for a little while longer.
george: "i'm NEVER getting married. EVER. who's down for my shore house this summer?!"
me: "is stacey aware of this? i mean america is aware. you've said it in every language possible."
george: "of course she is. she's just having fun! she knows the deal!"

i mean i can't say i blame stacey for wanting to hang with clooney and his ridiculously cool entourage. it's sort of like being a nobody in high school and eating lunch with your D list friends... and then all of the sudden the captain of the football team with a megawatt smile and an amazing sense of humor sees you working at the library and thinks you're cute. 
captain of the football team with a megawatt smile: "i feel like such a fool for not even realizing we went to school together before last week.and now i'm falling completely in love with you."
me: "ditto."

suddenly, your life has done a complete 180... you're getting picked up in his mercedes sl500 and going to all the cool parties thrown by the douchebags in your school who didn't even know your name until "so and so" started dating you. well my friends....stacey keibler is that girl!
remember when zack dated kristy the wrestler on saved by the bell? i was so mad! how dare he date someone other than kelly kapowski?!

i think if stacey and i  went to school together, she would have sat at my lunch table. i can picture my friends and i rolling our eyes and talking behind stacey's back about her really weird interest in wrestling.  while we were busy quizzing each other with SAT vocabulary flashcards and discussing our choice of colleges- our blonde,super  leggy friend- who could have been a model for FORD or ELITE- was watching the WWF and thinking of new techniques to pin others down until they screamed for mercy. but hey that's why we liked her! stacey keibler is a quirky girl. and i feel like despite her odd choice of profession... she may be  a romantic at heart.
stacey: "he's fooled around. but trust me. he's fallen in love."
elvin bishop and me: " the jury's still out on that one."

it's a fact that george clooney dates beautiful women who are not quite as famous as he is...  waitresses, grad students, models, b list actresses.... the list goes on and on. he prefers women who are in their supreme childbearing years- 28-34 and yet, he has no intention of marrying them or fathering their children. why? i think we know the reason.
britney: "you can't really blame them. i would totally date him."
me: "oh britney jean. me too!"

my advice for stacey keibler.... the girl who could have possibly sat at my lunch table,snorted at my mean jokes,dragged me to a slew of  wrestling tournaments, and beaten up my archenemy  (who shall remain nameless) in the school parking lot is this: 
date clooney all throughout the awards season... get your picture taken with brad, matt, and the rest of the douchebags at lake cuomo. and then please break up with him before you start crying to your friends and ruining everyone's summer with  "why won't he marry me?"
have some self respect please! trust me, you'll feel better about yourself 10 years from now. but by all means, if he offers you a house as a parting gift: TAKE IT.

stacey: "you're just jealous that i'm dating the most popular guy in hollywood."
me: "you're probably right."

DISCLAIMER: PLEASE NOTE THAT THE HIGH SCHOOL I ATTENDED DID NOT HAVE A HOT CAPTAIN OF THE FOOTBALL TEAM WITH A MEGAWATT SMILE AND AN AMAZING SENSE OF HUMOR. IN FACT I'M NOT EVEN SURE IF WE HAD A FOOTBALL TEAM, BUT THE SCHOOL CERTAINLY HAD A TON OF DOUCHEBAGS. THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS A FACT.
but every high school has them... even in the world of john hughes.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

dear brody jenner: what the hell?

avril lavigne: "i'm just going to focus on my upcoming shows in asia and not think about brody. or his career."

i wasn't really fazed when i heard  that avril lavigne and brody jenner had split up this morning on my way to work. i mean breakups, in general, don't really shock me at this point in life because someone's always leaving someone for someone else. and in LALA land ( and probably your neighborhood as well) this is a vicious, vicious cycle... but i was kind of appalled when i heard the alleged reasoning behind avril and brody's  breakup. apparently, brody wants to focus on his career. this blew my mind because.... ummmmmm. i'm sorry brody jenner, but what career are you talking about?!! what is it you do exactly?! 
brody: "i do stuff. i play myself."
me: "yes. i get that. but what's like your job title?"
brody: "weren't you listening to me? i just told you."
me: "let's try this again.i'm a teacher. and an aspiring writer. your turn."
brody: "suck it! i'm brody jenner!"

according to imdb, brody has played himself in several shows- most notably the hills and bromance( he actually has an executive producer credit for that show), has made many appearances at the mtv movie/music awards/clubs in LA as well as Vegas.... and from what i can see that's pretty much the extent of things. i can only imagine his own father, bruce jenner, must shudder at his son's lack of athletic prowess and work ethic.
bruce jenner: "i was winning gold medals at brody's age. that kid breaks my heart."
me: "well.i'm thinking you probably should have made him get a job or something."

avril lavigne actually has a legitimate career whether you find her obnoxious or not. she writes her own music, sings pretty well ... i mean  she won a contest sponsored by  shania twain when she was only 13 and got to perform with her at a concert. they actually share a similar story!
shania: "excuse me,tara. let's not get crazy! our stories aren't that similar!"
me:" well i mean with the whole freezing cold and being poor in canada thing."
shania: "i raised my brothers and sisters after our parents died in a horrific car accident and turned my back on my career. furthermore-"
me: "okay! your stories are nothing alike! we get it!"

avril designs clothes: i mean her clothing line,abbey dawn, is not exactly elizabeth and james or the row, but she's aiming it at an entirely different audience. and ps who would have ever have thought the olsen twins would make such fab designers?
the olsen twins: "you can't compare abbey dawn to our lines. we're serious about fashion. we like live for it. it's everything to us. EVERYTHING!"
me: "i know and i love your stuff. by the way do either of you know if uncle jesse is single these days?"
the olsen twins: "you're pathetic."

anyway... moving on... at least you know  avril's actually working and not "playing" a character based on her own character (ahem: brody jenner)
avril: "i think this black and purple hoodie with the pink stars would look so awesome on you!"
me:" haha oh...i'm more of a rebecca taylor/joie girl...but i totally respect your vision!"

she has her own perfume:
avril: "here. stick out your wrist! i'll spray black star on you!"
me: "NOOOOO! i mean- haha! that's okay. i'm wearing chloe, but i'm sure it smells lovely!"

and she's been in a few movies:
avril: "you probably didn't see this movie. it's a cartoon called over the hedge."
me: "wait! i did! i watched it with my class last year!"
avril: "yay! i was the voice of heather!"

so now that we're familiar with avril's career... let's get back to brody. 
brody: "listen. what i do for a living is  actually harder than it looks. stop rolling your eyes."
me: "well,it's either that or i'm puking."

and the career he's trying to recapture: flip to the 20 second mark to laugh hysterically. i keep watching it. wow. his profession is soooo amazing. something truly worth focusing on.

me:"i'm so glad i paid 40k to go to grad school."
brody: "aha! sucker! wasssup everyone? i'm brody jenner!"

so dear avril: as much as this breakup probably sucks and you're somewhere in asia crying while singing i'm with you ( ps i love that song).... know that brody jenner's looks will eventually fade along with his "career."and just between you and me... i can sort of see him getting fat and bloated in the next 10 years. which means he'll probably be on celebrity fit club. or more appropriately- the biggest loser. 
avril: i'm going to get the tattoo of his name removed! immediately!"
me: " i mean didn't you learn anything from johnny depp and winona ryder?"
avril: "wait! they dated? when? was i even alive back then? you definitely were!! haaaaaaa"
me: "ewwww! what the hell?! you're such a brat!"